Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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