I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
