Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
