glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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