I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize