you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
