Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
