you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
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Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
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The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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