she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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