he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
