Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
