i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
