The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
