omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
