i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
