plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
