i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The beer is more important than you right now.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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