Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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