I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
