he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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