I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
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peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize