My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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