I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
