I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just forgot I was standing up.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
