I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
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she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
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A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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