How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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