remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
