Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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