You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
