He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
