I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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