I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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