he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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