Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
