i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he fucked my hip out of place.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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