god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
