If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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