I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
