Where are you?
In a non slutty way
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
