went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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