come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
