I accidentally had phone sex last night
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
