I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
