I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
