I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
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I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
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I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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