my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
