so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
