Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
