I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
