let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
