so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
