I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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