I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
