If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
