he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
