I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
