Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
