This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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